I'll show you what you can do with your volunteers

I recently got suckered into joining the hiring committee for the lab’s new Volunteer Coordinator. Basically, I think it’s bullshit that they’re even hiring someone because volunteers have no business here. They’re planning to put volunteers in charge of the lab tours, which I have mixed feelings on. For starters, there is absolutely no way that there are members of the community who are or can become qualified to give the tour here. And I don’t like taking this job out of the hands of the scientists because I’m afraid that anyone else will not understand the priorities of the lab (this is not a museum…it’s a WORKING lab… get the god damn tourists out of the way so that we can WORK!). On the other hand, it will mean that the whole tour thing is no longer my problem, and that sounds darn good. They’re also talking about placing volunteers with different lab groups for the purposes of doing actual research. There are so many problems with that statement that I don’t know where to start. The PIs (Principal Investigators, aka faculty members) are never going to agree to take responsibility for completely inexperienced, probably retired people. Undergraduate interns are enough trouble. The old people who are likely to volunteer don’t have the knowledge, but more importantly, there is a high likelihood that they won’t have the physical ability to be helpful.

We apparently have two candidates coming in for interviews next week, and they were asked to do a little homework. I’ve decided to produce a key to compare their answers to:

1.) Write a short narrative on the attributes of people you think would be good volunteers.

For outreach volunteers, a strong candidate would have at least a BS in oceanography, biology, or a related field, an up to date understanding of the state of environmental science in the Chesapeake Bay watershed including but not limited to Physical Oceanography, Fisheries Science and Management, Agriculture, Aquaculture, Ecology, Sedimentology, and the politics involved.

Volunteers for science positions fall into two categories: Those with lab, field, at sea, SCUBA, etc. experience and the physical ability to continue doing these activities or to be an effective “safety buddy” to others in these settings, and those with boats or fancy toys that they are willing to lend unconditionally and otherwise not bother us.

2.) Write 6-8 questions you would use to interview a volunteer prospect that would help you ascertain his or her potential to be a good volunteer.

Can you lift and carry at least 50 lbs.?
Can you walk for 90 minutes? (it is a 90 minute walking tour)
Name three common sources of phosphorous pollution, it’s negative impacts, and the current and potential methods of mitigation.
How would you handle a belligerent “guest” who asks politically charged questions? For example how would you respond to the question “Why do scientists hate farmers?”
Continuing with the previous question, how would you respond to “Do you believe in global warming and/or evolution?”
Please pronounce “Mnemiopsis leidyii”.